Today Larry and I and Jessica went to Base Camp to help Brent go through his passage. It was a wonderful day. We started out with lunch and a cake that Brent and his friend (another client) had made. Which was very good. Afterwards we went to a TeePee and did a ceremony called smudging. Brent's friend (same one who made the cake with him) Picked some pine and you add some coals from the fire and put it all into a shell then allow the smoke to wash over you. Taking out of you whatever you want and replacing it with what you need. It is a time of reflection and it is all done in silence. After that we went to the swing!! I didn't get a picture of Brent on the swing because I thought I had to pull the rope!! I wish I had known how easy it was and that I wasn't really needed to pull the rope at all. He went RIGHT to the VERY VERY top and WOOOOOSH he went - it was awesome! He was fearless! Me on the other hand almost PLOTZ but I did it! Larry video taped me and everything lol!

We are so Proud of you Brent and so happy you are home! Now we can continue on this journey together as a family. Remember, we are always here for you - when ever you need us and even when you think you don't.

Love ya kid!

The countdown has begun. Brent gets to come home this Friday at 1:00. I and almost afraid to breathe. I am so proud of all he has done - I am terrified of my house of cards tumbling down. I have planted my feet firmly into his life and will be there if he needs me and even if he thinks he doesn't.

Right now I am looking at Friday and spending it in a ceremony with my son and showing him how proud of him I am. We did some amazing work last Saturday at the AADAC center. I really got to see the world through Brent's eyes and he seems to really understand me as well. It was heart warming and fulfilling.

I will be taking pictures! So dear readers this part of our journey will come to an end on Friday - I invite you to take a moment that day and send some good positive thoughts to Brent and do your own version of celebrating. You have come a long way with us and been my sounding post, my rock and my confidants.

Thank you for being here for us and for you kindness, heart and strength. I will post how it all went on Friday! We are there Friday 9AM and it's done at 1:00 PM.

From us to you, Thank you - a million thank yous.
Love and gratitude,
~Brent, Jessica, Larry and Kristen

We are inching closer to Brent's passage day. He finishes the Base Camp program November 20th. Hard to believe 3 months have past already.


To say there have been changes would be an understatement. He is a person I am glad to have finally met. The weekends that he comes home (every second weekend) I enjoy his company very much. He has a bright and funny sense of humor. He is very open and honest with us. He has told us everything we ask of him and told us things we didn't ask. He came clean about all his "use" problems and various addictions. Nothing too shocking to us really - just proud he came to us and told us, as hard as it was for him to do.


We go to the AADAC center next weekend all day for 2 days with Brent. It's for something they call "Family Matters". Us and a couple of other families all get together and do various workshops. It's to help strengthen the family unit and help us to learn about each other.

He will be starting school in September of next year. My biggest concerns are when he comes home. I am in a huge conflict over what to do. He will be home by himself until September - that is a long time. He will get bored and I worry what will happen. With me working and not being there to get him to do things or to do things with him - well the guilt I will feel if he falls backward will be unbearable. I can't lose him and I should be doing all I can to help him. I already have unbearable guilt from working to start with. Since this all really started when I started to work. I don't think I would ever forgive myself, I can't seem to now as it is.

Not sure what to do next.

Brent has completed one month so far at BaseCamp. He is doing really well but had some bumps along the way. Lets begin at the beginning - seems to be the best place to start.

We got home from Vancouver and immediately had to unpack and re-pack Brent for Basecamp. Being he left during the summer and is there through until late fall/early winter, he needs like a bit of everything. Tensions were a bit high that night. Only because we all knew the next day was huge and he was leaving us and as much as we knew he had to, we knew we'd miss him and it was painful. Sometimes instead of showing that pain people just get snappy with each other - and that's what happened. Nothing serious just...emotions.

The next morning (August 31) we got into the car and drove to the AADAC center in North Calgary. One of the counsellors talked to us and then we, along with a mom and her daughter, all got into a van and headed out to for the long drive to the camp.

Long is a understatement. Where I wanted to never get there really - I also just wanted to be off the horrible road.... road is a overstatement. You end up on a kind of path.. with big huge dips? I would say potholes but that doesn't do it justice. Anyways it was like a ride at the stampede being bumped and bounced all over the car, only it never seemed to end! Finally we got to the meeting spot and we all got out.

We hiked up a hill to the camp. I got to the top huffing and puffing thought I might die! OMG I AM SO OUT OF SHAPE IT'S SAD! Then the camp was before us. Really cool looking place, surround by trees at the peak of this mountain with a lake beside it. All these small cabins for various things. One is a the cookshack one is the boys cabin, one the girls, one is the bathroom, one is the laundry - etc. It was really rather pretty! They then took us to the cookshack for paper signing and then we all had lunch together.

Before lunch they all (other kids included) introduced themselves and how long they have been there. They are all at various stages - some a few weeks and some near the end. It was a nice atmosphere - very "family" like. I am allowed to take pictures of the camp, and I will do that. I just can't show you any of the people - confidentiality - which I 100% understand and agree with.

After lunch we, along with the mom and her daughter, did a activity together. It was to teach us how we all need each other to make it and to keep trying even if we fall back. Good for the kids to learn too. One of the impressive moments was they asked us to write down a trait we have that we feel will help us on the recovery. Brent wrote "commitment" and explained he is committed to making this work and to staying clean and sober. I was impressed to say the least.

Time came to go home and we all walked back to the van. Where I realized why I was huffing and puffing so bad on the way up. I was climbing up the side of a very steep mountain! Ok don't feel AS bad, still out of shape though. We get to the van and goodbyes start. That's when it hits me. He isn't coming home with us. He is staying here and I am trusting these strangers to help bring me my son back and to raise him for the next 3 months. Terror, anxiety. I hug him and shove my feelings aside - now sadness, the feeling of grief. I want to just bring him back with me. I hold it together - no tears and we are on our way back. I literally pass out on the way back to AADAC. I think the emotions of it all just take too much out of me and wham, I'm out. I am awakened by Larry's cell phone ringing in the van. Turns out he was out too.

Since then Brent phones and we phone him about every other day. He has come home for a Day visit. My brother took us all out for lunch for his and Jessica's birthday then back to our place for cake and coffee. It was a great day and Brent said some remarkable things to us.

He told us a story of how one day at camp they went on a hike up a mountain. At first he didn't like it then he ended up loving it. Part way up he realized this mountain was like "life". He explained, some parts are hard and difficult and some are amazing and enjoyable but its all worth it to get to the top. Insightful to say the least. While he was home he made a lot of these types of comments and we were amazed and proud. He was a different person.

The only way to describe this is to say it like this. As a parent you raise your child with morals and values and instill on them as much wisdom as you can. Then one day (as with us) this new person shows up and nothing you had taught them or told them seems to be there. You wonder what happened to that child you knew yesterday? Where did they go? And you try to barter and reason with the new one - which is (it seems) a never winning battle.

What we have seen in Brent is the "Brent" we new before. The one who disappeared. I think to myself when I hear him talk "wow, I remember you, where have you been? I've missed you so much!" The old Brent has fought his way back and we are so happy to see him. He's had some depression moments since he went back after his home visit. He misses us terribly. The last few days he has perked right up and said to me last night how it's been a month already! He is proud of his achievements and it went by so fast! He feels able to do 2 more. We are Proud. Very Proud.

BaseCamp has school every day. He will get a math credit as well as a phys-ed credit. When he returns home he will be able to go right back into Highschool to finish his grade 12. He comes home again next weekend for the whole weekend. We also get to spend a night out at the camp to experience the day in his life. That should be interesting! We also do family counselling every 2 weeks.


This program is a non profit program through AADAC which runs on donations. If you have the means please donate. If not for this program I don't think I would have ever seen my son back again.

~K

Brent finished his PCHAD program which is an involuntary program that Larry and I put him in. He then went into a voluntary program where he continued to get treatment. He has expressed regret and remorse for his past and stated how much better he feels now, stronger, clearer headed. He also wanted to be put on the waiting list for a Wilderness Program. It is a three month camp that is much more involved than the other two. They chop their own firewood to put in their cabins fireplace to keep warm and are expected to work together to keep the camp going. That along with much more counselling. They found him a bed and he is going on Monday! He won't be back until December!

I am going to miss him a lot but so amazed with him right now and his changes and who is becoming. I thank God that he is finding his road back to us. Thursday I pick him up and he is discharged from the program he is in now. The counsellor told us he has done very well. Then we are taking him to Vancouver. We come home Sunday and repack him to go to camp. We will be going out with him to see it and get him settled.

Thank you God for bringing back my son to me. I know its not done yet but this is the first hope I have seen in a very long time. The young man I visit every day is the one I remember, it's so good to see him again.

~K

Brent did his 5 days in PCHAD. When we went to pick him up we told him he was to go into the voluntary rehab for 10 days or he wasn't coming home with us. After some discussion he agreed to go in. They were full and he would have to wait a couple of days before a bed would be open. He came home with us. During that time we got to meet a new Brent. He seems to be intent on changing and remorseful for the past. He was chipper and very much part of the family. We enjoyed him being with us very much. This morning they had a bed open and Larry took him in. Brent did not resist and wants to be placed on the waiting list to get into the Wilderness program.

The Wilderness Program is outside the city and is a three month program. Brent looked into it further while he was home and very much wants to go into it. We are really proud of him and his choices.

Please keep Brent in your prayers and help him to keep strong along this road to recovery.

~K

Where to start with this next chapter. I will begin after the family reunion in Grande Prairie. Brent really wanted to go to that and that was a positive step as far as we were concerned. We hoped he would take some time with his loved ones and realize this is where he belonged, then come home and we'd all start over. That unfortunately did not happen.

He did have a good time at the reunion, the pictures can attest to that. However on the ride home as they got to Edmonton he began asking Larry to drop him back at Avenue 15. Larry asked if he was not going to be coming home? Brent declined the offer. Brent had decided to come home, wash some clothes then be dropped at Avenue 15. When they all came home I was still thinking he was home for good so you can imagine the sink of my heart when I was informed otherwise. We did as he asked and dropped him back there again. I guess the drugs/booze were still more important to him than his family. It was truly heartbreaking. Life went on as it had left on, no further ahead.

Sunday early morning the phone rings and its urgent care downtown. They tell us Brent was brought in by EMS the night before because someone had thrown a skateboard at his head and he had a mild concussion. So Larry and I go to the hospital and pick him up and bring him home. Brent wants to come home - for good. So we go to the Ave and pick up his stuff and go home. This is a good day, other than the head injury. He had a good breakfast, spends lots of time with us. A good day.

Monday came and in the morning we couldn't get a hold of Jessica or Brent - turned out they rode their bikes to McDonald's and Jessica bought Brent breakfast. Not the the most horrible thing in the world and they told us the truth. We let it pretty much slide by. Explaining we would prefer Jessica to not ride that far but it wasn't too bad really, in the grand scheme of things. Brent asked if he could go out the following day to look for work. We agreed. He asked what time to be home Larry said 5 and we agreed no later than 6 (same time at the Ave) then he can be home for dinner. Brent agreed and said he would be home long before that time anyways.

Tuesday came and he went out around 4PM and did not return Tuesday night. Tuesday evening Larry went downstairs and notice Brent had removed the locks from the window - which Larry replaced (And also searched the basement for any unwanted strangers lurking. Thankfully none where there or any evidence that they had been.

Wednesday late Brent turned by knocking at the backdoor (Obviously trying the basement window first to find it locked again). He said he was too drunk to come home the previous night - just what every Mother wants to hear. He ate some dinner and went to bed. We tell him to not go out Thursday, we want to talk to him when we get home.

Thursday come and Larry gets a upset call from Erica and Jessica. Erica was walking towards the house and passes Brent and Tyler on the street - who approach her and ask her for a smoke. She is furious that Tyler is around and goes to the house to see Jessica. Jessica informs her that Tyler had shown up with Brent earlier (Brent had gone out and come back with him), and they took the phones away from her not allowing her to phone her Dad or I, or the police (as we had advised her to do if Tyler showed up). They also did not allow her to leave. This was shocking and highly disturbing. Upon speaking to Erica I requested if she could spend the rest of the afternoon with her until I got there. Erica had interview but said she would take Jessica with her (it was at Walmart so Jessica could just hang around the store) then bring her home and I would drive her (Erica) back to her boyfriends after. This was perfect with me and eased my mind for the rest of the afternoon.

When I came home however Jessica informed me that Erica had gone to the interview (around 1:00 ish) and left her there. So Jessica had been by herself all day!! I was very upset by this. What if Tyler and Brent had returned? That was the entire point of someone being with her! I was (well honestly still am) quite upset. I was just so furious my daughter was put in that situation and worse left there alone after she was a victim! The entire thing made me beyond angry and that protective Mama Bear in me came out swinging. I am glad I didn't find Tyler because that could have been a really bad situation. That night I took a ativan that the doctor had prescribed me to help calm my nerves. If nothing else I could sleep some - hopefully.

Friday came and Larry had an appointment at AADAC to talk to them about their program called PCHAD. This is a involuntary program for kids of addiction. I woke Friday and thought well I should go with him. Being I only had a half a day work that day and the work load would actually be very light for Susan I was not too concerned. I called in and let her know.

On the way to the meeting Larry's phone rang - it was the police. They had Brent in custody for spray painting and prowling cars in a area near us. He along with two of his friends (Tyler and another kid, who I won't name as he is under age - I'll call him Mick) were all arrested. Larry explained what we were doing and that we were putting Brent into this program. The officer said for us to tell them there that Brent is already in police custody and ask if they can hurry the process through.

We went in and spoke to a councillor there, she was actually going to the PCHAD program to work the following week and said she would be working with Brent. She got on the phone and made sure there was a bed for him. Then sent us to the courthouse. First though she told us of another program, survival Wilderness Training. She said she would suggest this as a follow up after the PCHAD and put that as a condition of his return home. We agreed it sounded like exactly what he needed. Its like a boot camp.

We then rushed downtown to get the judge to give us the right to place him into the program. Larry filled out the affidavit and then we sat in the courtroom. Within no time the judge called us up and read over the document. He said "sometimes the facts just can't be any clearer - judgement granted and good luck to you". We walked out of the courtroom. Before I left the judge looked at me and said "Good luck to you ma'am". I am not sure what it was that set me off but I could feel the shaking begin in my stomach and then my body and I tried to stop it but when Larry saw I was falling apart and said "are you ok" as we made our way through the crowd in the hallway - for some reason that caused such a eruption of emotion I could not contain. I let out a gasp/wallow/sob and shook. I had to go to bathroom to get a hold of myself. It was not something I had ever experienced before. Pain/sadness/grief - just too much to explain. Finally I got it together and we went to the police station to give them the documents.

We got there and the police talked to Brent and then to us. She then informed him he was being placed in this program and she was taking him there directly. The office also put a no contact order on Tyler and Mick. Not to contact anyone in our family or be on our property. Then he went and put on his shoes/belt, got his stuff from the locker and off he went.

Larry saw him there yesterday and we both went today to bring him some clothes/deodorant/ etc and met with him. He looks good and is "thinking about" the other program. That in "Brent language" means No. Hopefully this week they can change his mind. He will be released on Wednesday.

That is where we are now. The rain of the days we've been having only seem to be how my heart feels. I only hope soon there is sun, in all aspects.

~K

For any of you reading who are having some troubles with their child, and feel a support group might help, I have started a group on facebook. I will be arranging meetings (real meetings not just online) for us to get together and discuss. The facebook group gives us a chance to exchange some thoughts and see where we all are in terms of support needed. So if you need us, or if you know of someone who does, please message me and maybe together we can all get through this.

I do believe it does "Take a Village" and we should not turn our backs on our kids. Together we can make things good again.

~K

Brent didn't come home for dinner Sunday. Actually he left Ave 15 Saturday morning and didn't return until Sunday night. He was out partying and couldn't make it back. So we have another set back. He asked if he could come for dinner last night and of course didn't show up for that either. I just don't know what to do.

Brent came home for dinner last night. It was really great to see him! He looks good and showed off his new clothes that his Auntie Rhonda had got him. He told us how he loved them and how it was so nice of her and how much he appreciated it. We BBQ'd hamburgers and talked and just were a "family" no dramatics. Later we went out for some DQ icecream and then dropped Brent back at Ave 15. He is coming home again on Sunday.

Today is a good day.

They didn't tell Brent we wanted to get together for dinner last night, so we didn't get to see him. They tell us he wants to come tonight - Larry is going to pick him up after work.

I am unsure if we are doing a counselling session or if he is going to come home to have dinner with us, either way we get to see him and talk to him today. Lets home this is the road of progress.

Rhonda met with Brent on the weekend. She talked to him and took him to get some new clothes. What a great Auntie! I only wish he would come to his senses and come home. I really miss him. Thanks Rhonda for everything.

While trying to find information out about Tyler, who I have apparently been feeding. clothing, etc not to my knowledge. I found this, I certainily hope Brent gets away from this kid soon.

http://normbc.blogspot.com/2009/04/my-2004-bmw-z4-stolen-by-tyler-chiasson.html

So Tyler has emailed with Larry and said the reason Brent is doing stupid "shit" is because we are jerks to him. So giving Brent every thing he could ever want, including a loving home - must have been hell. It wasn't until Tyler came into his life that Brent changed into -.. well TYLER. He is a carbon copy of the same kid! IF I had known Tyler needed help or IF I had been given the choice or CHANCE who knows, I might have stuck my neck out for him too. Those of you who know me know I probably would have. I wasn't given the choice.

Anyways, how we got here isn't important anymore. How we get back is what is important. I guess the Brent I used to know isn't ever coming back but I do hope something simliar is and soon. I miss him so much every part of me hurt. I fight to stop crying all the time. I worry if I start I might lose my mind and never stop again. My heart is in pieces and I feel sick all the time.

Today is another bad day for me. I feel dead inside. I have small windows when I don't just feel like curling up and dying but they are getting further apart.

I am not doing well today - feel done in and lost. I am not doing well.

Tyler is not in jail and has been lurking around. Brent is still not home and I haven't spoken to him since last Saturday when I went to Avenue 15. Avenue 15 is getting him into a longer term program and we are going to start counselling as a family.

Really thats all there is for now. I am very nervous every time I hear a noise in the house or the dog barks. I am feeling unsafe in my own home.

Today I feel like crap. Today I am supposed to be happy but now the days I feel happy seem so far away I can't see them. Today I am reflecting, as I have been most days. Today I think about how I (like most mothers) always want what is best for my kids. If anyone was to ever ask me my answer for happiness was the same, healthy happy kids. Today I awake wondering how my son slept, what he is doing today, how did this all happen. Today has too much emotion - today means too much.

Today is two things for me. It marks one of the happiest days of my life and the saddest. Today I have been married for 19 years and today my father passed away 13 years ago. Today is conflicted and like most my days lately leaves me in knots.

So Today, I will get up, go to work and go for dinner to celibrate my anniversaray and Today I will try shove my other emotions way down deep and try to pretend they are not there at all. Today... I breath in and I breath out and continue.

We took Jessica to the stampede yesterday. The kid needs some kind of normal in her life. So we went and had fun with her and got her the backpack for next year etc. We came home and noticed the backdoor was unlocked. Now believe me with everything that is going on we were sure to lock it. Larry went downstair to check Brents windows and one of them he had put wood in to block it from opening had the wood removed. We were baffled - how in the world someone got in was baffling. So we were sitting trying to sort this out when Jessica dropped the first bomb. She said if its Tyler you can check under the stairs in Brents room, I've seen him in there with the laptop. Then she stops and looks at the table where the laptop used to sit and says "Where IS the laptop?!"

So we go downstairs and find a made up bed under the stairs, Erica's old cell phone, and a IPOD charger/player thing for a car all beside it. We confront Jessica who says that she doesn't know if he was staying there or not she isn't sure. So not only is the laptop gone but so is the power cord that works it. The ONLY cord in the house that fits it is for MY computer - so now MY computer has no power cord too. We are pissed! We right away think Brent because who else would know it was MY Power cord that fit that ONE computer and why leave the other 5 laptops untouched? So Larry and I hop in the car to Avenue 15 to confront Brent.

We get there and Brent denies it, says he was with another of the kids from the program all day. They do a room search and nothing. So we start talking to Brent. I say "Has Tyler been staying with you at the house" he admits this is so. Suddenly a lightbulb goes off over my head "Was he there Thursday morning when we threw you out?"! - YES. The kid didn't break IN, he was already IN. He broke OUT and took the wood from the window so he can still come and go. So while Jessica and I were home Thursday/Friday ALONE this kid was lurking in the basment. The night Brent was thrown out we got a phone call from Tyler from another place - saying he was the the one at fault for the stolen backpack.

When we got home we told Jessica to fess up and tell us what the hell was really happening with this Tyler kid. She admitted he had been living there since she has been off school and she is unsure how long before that. So we came home yestereday and redailed the number Tyler had called us from.

What we got was another of Tylers "friends" fathers. Who explained his son was friends with Tyler (nothing he was very pleased about). Larry and him had long discussion of this kids tylers influence on our kids and he gave Larry, Tylers fathers phone number. We spoked to him this morning and found out that Tyler will most likely be going to jail in the next couple of days for breaking his bail and not showing up to his parole officicer. No further ahead at that point with finding the missing laptop (with a lot of personal information of mine on it) or the powercord. So Frustrated at this point, Larry went out to mow the lawn. There is a knock at the front door and there stands Larry with a safeway bag along with the laptop, power cord and a IPOD cord.

When we saw Brent he seemed indifferent - didn't care. When he was asked if he could stop seeing Tyler as part of his getting back home his answer was "I don't know". He almost seemed annoyed we were even there at all.

We have phoned back Tylers dad and told him we found the laptop etc and to let Tyler know if he speaks to him that if he sets foot on our property again we'll have him arrested. This kid it seems has been Brents mentor with crime, as well as a couple other kids. I hope they do lock him up - I would like to be at that hearing and explain his influence on the community.

I would give anything to back a couple years. If I could go back maybe to when Brent was in JR high school and THEN put him in this private school - bypass Beverbrook all together, maybe this would not be happening. He would have never meet these kids who changed my son so much. Now I don't know him and he seems to not want to know us. To say I am hurt isn't strong enough - words can not express the agony. I would still give anything for my kids, him included. He is my son.

Before we went to the stampede yesterday we had to stop by Avenue 15 (where is lives) to drop off his medication. Larry took it in, and as I sat there looking at this building I felt such remorse and intense sadness I burst into tears. I remember the boy I had. The one who when he was 2 dance with me while watching Snow White and loved to give hugs. The one who was sweet, loving, playful. It's like a part of me is dying and I have no way to stop it.

When Brent came home after we threw him out, he seemed to eager and willing to do his best and become a part of the family again. I was so happy to see that and hoped we were at the end of a horrible trial. I stayed on guard, as my life has always taught me to never get too comfortable because things can change on a dime and your entire world can come crumbling apart. This was no exception.

He declined slowly. The rule was he was to be grounded for 2 weeks. No friends in, no going out - etc. Pretty basic. In the meantime I did give him my old laptop so he did have something to do. For ONE day this was ok. Then he was going out during the day while we were at work. No matter how we explained this was not acceptable it didn't seem to sink in. Then he got a job at the stampede grounds. We explained - again - that we didn't really want him to get a job until his grounding was over. We allowed it however thinking it might do him some good.

He did one shift completely. The next shift he was let off at 9 PM (He was supposed to work until midnight). So at midnight, Larry, Jessica and I went to the grounds to pick him up. Not knowing he had been let off early because he didn't have the appropriate uniform. Larry stood at the spot they were supposed to meet and waiting for 2 hours. No Brent. Finally Larry called where he works and they informed us when he left. We then drove to Anderson LRT station - No Brent. We went home - very angry and upset. 6:00 AM he came home. No real explanation at all.

We went through it all again - tell him what we expected of him and the rules. At that point he took his huge turn for the worst. He was gone during the day while we were at work, then would come home later and leave again (All through his bedroom window). This went on and on for a few days. When he did come home he was high/drunk.

On Wednesday I got a call at work from Jessica who said he was home, while I was talking to her I heard a voice in the background. I said "who is THAT?!" she informed me it was "Tyler". This is a "Friend" of Brent's who is a known criminal, drug user, homeless. I asked her to put Brent on the phone. She said he was sleeping!!! I thought oh that's fantastic, you bring this kid into my home that I ONLY know by reputation to be ALONE with my 11 year old baby girl?! I DON'T THINK SO!! I told her I didn't care and WAKE HIM UP. So we got Tyler out of the house. I came home after work and went to Brent's room - there he was sleeping. Oh yes and when I spoke to him on the phone it was obvious he was high/drunk or some combination there of. So after I saw him sleeping we went and had dinner. I checked on him some time later and he's gone. Window open (the cat is outside too - I have a indoor cat who has been getting out a lot lately!). Now I am very annoyed and furious! I go to bed and when I get up in the morning I remember I thought I heard something in the night - so I go back down to his room. There he is sleeping again. So again I am furious. I go to let the dog out and peek around the corner at him to see how he is and I see in Brent's window well a big red back pack.

I get my shoes on and go get the backpack and go through it. There are various school booklets in there, some papers in Chinese and a name and address. Not Brent's of course. There is a camera in there and other various personal items. It was used for a laptop but there is no laptop in the bag. I call Larry and tell him to which he says he wants Brent to call him when he gets up. I decide I don't want to wait and go to to his room and wake him.

His first response is that the backpack is his, he's always had it. I inform him that he is not Chinese and doesn't own a house up the street. Then he changes the story to he "doesn't know" or "remember" where he got it. He phones Larry as I tell him to and between Larry and I we decide that's enough. Larry turns around and comes home and we escort Brent out. He is emotionless. Jessica is upstairs in hysterics crying. Her heart broken. I say to him "You hear your baby sister? Her tears? How does that make you feel" His response "YOU are the one throwing me out!" I said "REALLY that is how you see this?? THAT is the problem RIGHT THERE!!" I follow behind Brent while he puts some things in backpack and find his drug paraphernalia behind his bookshelf. I tell him to "Not to forget to take whats important to him". Still no emotion. He leaves the drug stuff (which I have tossed out since) and leaves. Larry goes to comfort Jessica and I call into work to tell them I won't be in for the next couple days.

Since then avenue 15 (a group type home downtown for teens) has phoned to say he is there. We haven't heard from him since. I told him he was NOT allowed back in this house until he was over this. I didn't want someone who steels and is drunk/high in my house! He said he doesn't come home drunk or high and he sobers up before he gets here. Really- so how did I KNOW you were drinking or high then? LUCKY F*ing guess?? I said when he is clean and sober and wants to be part of this family he can come back but I can't take any more of this.

Tyler phoned later in the evening to inform us the backpack was his doing not Brent's. With all Tylers other faults he is the ONLY so called "Friend" of Brents who has EVER come to his aid or come forward on their part of it. To that end I was impressed because it does show me that on SOME level Tyler does care about Brent. If all of this was really about a backpack that would be enough - but the backpack is mearly the final straw. There are much bigger issues at hand.

That's all we have for now. No more news and it just makes me sick. I am so mad and frustrated and that along with this horrible feeling of guilt and remorse - there is no name for it. It hurts all over. But that is where we are at.

The revolving door in my house keeps on spinning. Today Brent showed up after being gone all night. He was in bed sleeping when I came home from work and so I left him sleeping. When I went to check on him again 20 minutes ago - he was gone - again. I am so sick of this, Please anyone have any thoughts? I am thinking while he is gone boarding up his windows so he can't get back in that way BUT my biggest fear with that is if there is a fire and he's in his room he can't get out - so that is no good either! What do I do now? I just don't get it.

Why is my life this way. We did what we were supposed to do as parents, I really can't think of anything that was so horrible I have ever done for this to be happening. Larry and I both have tried to be good people, good role models for our kids. Even in our teen years nothing we ever did could possibly warrant this kind of Karma. I know we laugh it off and talk about the crazy things we did as teens but nothing compares to this - Nothing. Now I am siting at midnight writing this feeling like a piece of garbage and like I want to start screaming or crying or both, and every siren I hear my skin crawls and I get a lump in my throat and I worry. I am living a fucking nightmare and there is no waking up.

He brought home with him today the kid he was caught by the police with while they were trying to break into cars. HE BROUGHT this kid to my house with my 11 year old little girl here - this criminal. He is a homeless criminal and Brent not only brought him into my home with my baby girl here but he then went to bed and LEFT him with her!! Jessica called me at work and we got the kid out of the house. Now Brent is gone - probably with this kid again and there are more sirens going by the house and my skin is crawling and I am crying and wondering why God just hates us so much.

I can't write any more

Nothing much has really changed. Brent had a job for about 3 days at the stampede grounds, only one of which he actually worked a full shift. He has stolen $100 + from his sister (who hides it even), he tells us he will continue his grounding and literally turn, walk down to his room and hop out his window and leave. He didn't' come home last night - again. We are getting no where
So please if you have advice please no matter how small you think it might be, tell me.

I apologize if I am coming across angry but I can't help it, I am angry and frustrated. What I am going through with him is just coming down hard on me and Larry and Jessica. This is my son, my baby, my world. How would you feel? He is slipping away from us and we are unable to stop it from happening.

Please feel free to comment on any of my posts. I welcome the feedback. Sometimes I update here and dont' announce it on my facebook - so please check back when you can. I love my family and friends - you are my rock and who I have always turned to in times of need. We need you now more than ever.

~K

Brent is home and I am very pleased for this. He is trying very hard and has been cleaning up and wanting to do so much. I keep telling him to chill and its ok but he wants to do it. I appreciate this I do and I understand the need/want but to me - I don't need someone to do these things, I just want my son - here with us. To me thats everything.

Brent called tonight - he wants to come home so Larry is going to pick him up. Hopefully he means it and this works. Time will tell.

We went to the youth place where Brent was staying to have a meeting with their intake workers and him. Trying to figure out what Brent needs to do in order to come home. It was supposed to happen yesterday but they had to postpone it. All day I have been looking forward to this meeting, I haven't seen Brent or spoken to him or anything sincce last Sunday. I kept telling myself when I saw him to not grab him and hug him and cry and try to just be strong. Something I have to tell myself on a almost constant basis regardless lately.

I drove downtown and Larry and I walked over to the place. We were informed Brent wasn't back yet and we will wait for him to start the meeting. My heart sunk. He is doing the same thing he does at home. I fully expected to not see him at all at this point. The gal gave us a tour of the place and told us of what they do. I am impressed really - I will not be as quick to say we have no social programs. This is a good program, this is a good house (with rules much stickter than ours), nice looking place. I hate it though - because I want my son here with me, I want him to be with us as a family not there. So as much as I think they are doing a great job and I appreciate them and their work - I still hate them. If that makes sense.

We left and I still never saw or heard Brent. I fought back tears as we walked back to Larry's office and am still in a state of wonderment as to this whole situation. I don't understand any of it at all and I have no idea how to fix it. Again I am lost in the fog.

~K

My mind keeps racing of absolutely everything in my life that is not working as it should. Right from the kitchen sink (Literally!!) to the relationship I don't have with my son right now. It's quite the list. I am feeling unable to do anything about any of it.

The meeting today is postponed until tomorrow around 3.

This is a new blog - I decided to make it because there are some pretty ugly people out there who enjoy feeding off others misery. I don't feel like feeding their sickness.

The update is this. Brent is at a youth center downtown since the evening of the 14th. We are today (the 18th) going to counselling there with him. He was taken to school by them and has finished his final exams - that is the good news. The bad news is, I think I could possibly be going right out of my mind. It's getting very hard to see lights at the end of the tunnel, or even see the tunnel itself anymore for the blackness. Still we go on.. breath in and breath out and thats about all I can do.

I'll update how the meeting today goes
~K

1 step forward - 2 steps back
He is gone again. This time at a youth shelter down town.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Some Good News
Last night Larry and I went to Jessica's school for a conference with her Psychologist. Jessica gets tested about every 5 years or so because she is diagnosed as ADHD and on medication. It lets us know where she is and what (if anything) she needs help with, as far as her education is concerned. We were told she is an exceptionally bright child and very warm loving and kind. No big shock there. She also told us that Jessica scored amazingly high in one area - the highest she had ever seen. Her cognitive/reasoning was 98 Percentile. She said that she was very amazed watching Jessica sort through problems. She said that she is gifted with concepts and anything with many dimensions (which is why she is good at math and art). It also explains why she is so good at Sudoku. Her only falling is spelling - no big deal Jessica, that's your Dad's weakness too! We'll work on it!Love ya girl you are awesome! Mom (me) is so proud of you!~K

The Aftershock
My body seems to be suffering some after effects of all the recent events. Yesterday my body rejected food and then last night I was awakened throughout the night with anxiety attacks, which continued on into waking, and are happening through the day. I am not used to anxiety attacks so not sure what to do with that. Do I wait it out and try to just calm down? Does it go away on it's own? I hope so. Tonight I plan to take Buddy for a walk so that might help. I guess my body just needs some unwinding down time.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

He's Home
Brent was found on Friday hanging out side of Lord Beaverbrook School with friends he met when he went there in grade 10. What these students could possible hold for him in friendship is beyond me. These are the "Friends" who were with him when he was caught shoplifting yet ran off and let him take the fall for it all. Is that a friend? Anyway, he had a backpack with him with clothes in it. So it seems he had ever intention of never coming back. What did he plan to do? I have no idea? Live the rest of his life being hid out by his friends or on the streets I suppose? I guess it didn't occure to him that the people WHO GAVE HIM LIFE (his father and I) were worth respect or kindness. I don't think any occures to him at all these days but his own selfish needs and wants.He came home and when I saw him my heart lept. I was so happy just to see him and that he wasn't dead. I had been fighting tears all week with the deepset fear he was dead. I felt so amazingly helpless. I don't think I have ever felt so low in my life - not even when my father died. Something Brent might want to remember. He has a chance to know his father and talk to him - mine is gone and that won't ever change.So I dont' really know much. I know he had "Friends" who kept him at their house. He said that the parents knew he was there. I wonder if they knew he was a run away and if they knew a missing persons was out on him. Larry had filed a missing persons on Thursday. I wonder what they would tell the cops if they came knocking at their door. I know who it was "Jofrey and Kass" and have every intention of making sure their parents know the truth and whole situation. As I said before these are not "Friends" who help Brent to be homeless and hide him. That isn't helping him in the least.Brent has decided he wants to quit school and take mechanics. When there is just 2 weeks of school left. Bascially our money down the toilet. He has agreed to finish the last few weeks and we are looking to family counselling. Hopefully over the summer with some professional help he can get back on track and see his "friends" are hardly that at all. Like I said, Friends help you move forward not pull you backward. I guess they are in misery and just want the company.Our talking to him and trying to make him realize what he's put us through has no effect at all. It's as if he just doesn't care. I know he is a good hearted person to others why is he so horrible to us? I don't understand what we have done as parents to warrant that. We give him everything including our love (AND friendship since we actually DO want him to go forward) and we get treated like garbage. Its enough to make a person crazy and it about has.I want to thank all my family and friends who were there for me through this latest episode. I am truly blessed to have you all in my life. I don't think I would have made it through this week without you and your kind words and support. There are not words enough to express my gratitude, and love.This is our situation now at our house. I will update as things go on. ~K

Tuesday, June 2, 2009 - REPOST FROM PREVIOUS BLOG

I've decided to share what we are going through with our oldest child (teenager) Brent. We certainly can't be the only ones going through it and for sure not the last but amazingly enough we are feeling incredibly alone even still.Brent hit his teen years and became a different person. It was almost a over night experience. He went into high school and changed. Now I know we all change and please don't give me any boys will be boys or he's just sowing wild oats or whatever. We are so past that.Some background might help. Brent is ADHD. Now I don't want to hear any of this "it doesn't exist" or "misdiagnosed" crap. It DOES and he has it - end of story. One example is when we moved here from Edmonton and his new teacher told us "none" of her students are on meds, she has them off of it quickly, etc etc. This was a class he was in for students that needed help and assistance. Well he started and she had him off medication (we told her it was a bad idea but she didn't believe it, and didn't believe kids needed it) needless to say he was back on it within the month (if I remember correctly it was with-in the week actually). She never took him off again. He has ADHD - end of story.Anyways that class was great and she was a fantastic teacher. Brent loved her as did we. She had the right balance of patience and Stern to make it all work. He then went on from there to JR High school.In Jr. High school he started to change. The class he was in was different and he was unhappy. We had to go through all the testing again (as they do with schools to get their funding). He went from a great student to a average student to a almost non existent student. It was not going well for him and he was acting out more at home. He started getting into fights at school. The downward spiral had begun. During this time we had many parent/teacher conferences as well with the principal. I asked ALL the time if these special "smaller" classes were following the same guidelines as the other classes and if he was learning the same things. EACH TIME I was assured that was the case. Then came High School.He went to a very large High school (2nd most populated in North America). He was soon lost in the shuffle and was literally walking out during some classes. We went into the school because they wanted him to have more testing. What we found out was everything we had been told until that point was a huge lie. He hadn't been taught the same as everyone else at all and was horribly behind. I was furious. We just didn't' know what to do next. Brent started acting out more and more. This also began his going out and not coming home, sometimes for days at a time. We just didn't know what to do at all. He started smoking, both cigarettes and pot, drinking, staying out all night. He wasn't following house rules, he was disrespecting all of us. We felt just out of control. The school finally fed up with him leaving class all the time expelled him at the age of 15.Brent went to work at various jobs, McDonald's, the movie theater. Nothing he ever stayed with for long and the patterns continued. We discussed Military School in Ontario. The cost was outrageous and something we really couldn't afford. We were trying to think of ways to do it what to sell. I set about looking for a job but that still wouldn't be enough to cover it. It is the only Military School in Canada. I was at a loss. Seemed a lose lose situation. My mom and Brother found out about Third Academy here in Calgary and we looked into it further. Seemed to be the answer to it all.Third Academy is specially for kids who are diagnosed ADD or ADHD and the system has left behind. Seems there are a lot of them! They get them up to speed and then off to college. They have very very small classes (his grade 11 class is about 7 kids or so). They wear uniforms and the school is out of the city very remote - so if he left he has no place to go. Door to door bus service too. Downside - cost. Yes things worth having you pay for - I have come to realize that includes Education and Health Care, and it never comes cheap. So back to work I go to help with the costs.Bit of a side track here. My mom isn't doing so well. She needs heart surgery badly and at this point in time needed to go to the doctor 2 - 3 times a week to get her blood checked because of the blood thinners she was on. Now I was her transportation until this point. I enjoyed it and enjoyed spending time with her. Now I was going to work and having to deal with that emotionally on top of my son's now complete disrespect and selfishness, and feelings of parental failures and daughter failures(me being the daughter). So needless to say I am now on a roller coaster ride of stress and sadness - it has yet to stop. I can hide it well - sometimes.So now Brent starts at the new school and we are hopeful. For the first while things seem to be going pretty well. He actually enjoys it and is excited about going. He makes new friends and we are thinking OK, its all done - now we move forward. The dialog starts up again between us all and we start to slowly feel better. Then we get a call he was shop lifting at the store. Then we get a call he was shoplifting at another store more than once. Then he has to go to court. Then on Wednesdays (His schools half days) he comes home and leaves - not to show up until late that night 0r sometimes again days later. The slide backwards was major and fast and horrible.He is not going forward at all, actually seems to be sliding further and further backwards. We are feeling just unable to stop it!Now I really don't care if you want to judge me as a parent or if you want to put the blame on our parenting or whatever. If you feel that its all our doing then just stop reading and go away. I have yet to meet a perfect teenager in this city - I don't think it happens.So today I am on day 2 of him not being here - again. The police don't do anything because it happens just too much. I think our next step is counselling. What I am asking is people who are reading this, who are friends - family. We need help here. support of some kind (I don't mean money). Brent needs it - I really want him to succeed and do well but I am asking for help for him to get there. We just don't know what to do. Any ideas, anything would be helpful. Don't shut us/him out - we are asking for you to be a part of his intervention. Any suggestions would be great. Please nothing that consists of "He just needs more love and attention" I might be apt to lose it completely.